Agency is a type of thinking and style of action that gives a sense of aliveness, control over one's own life, and freedom. It's the ability to be the author of your own story, rather than just an observer or, even worse, an extra in someone else's script.
Why don't psychologists talk about this? Because the term comes from sociological disciplines, while psychology more often talks about adulthood, objectivity-subjectivity. But in practice, for people who are working on themselves and trying to address issues of separation, build careers, develop their own business, or establish healthy relationships, all these terms are unclear: adulthood frightens and is associated with grayness and dullness, the terms objectivity and subjectivity clarify nothing at all, and multiple examples of how great it is to be adult and independent evoke fear, anxiety, and a feeling of exhaustion. And this is where it makes sense to think about agency.
What Lies Behind the Loss of Agency
Marina, 34, a successful marketer, came to a consultation with concerns about burnout. In the process of working together, it became clear that she handles tasks set by others perfectly well, but becomes completely lost when she needs to determine the direction herself. "It's as if I'm waiting for someone to tell me what to do next," she admitted. "And even when free time appears, I don't know what I want. I open Netflix and scroll for an hour straight without choosing anything."
This is a classic example of lost agency. A person lives in reactive mode: to emails, to requests, to others' expectations. They function, sometimes even successfully, but don't live. There's no sense that life belongs to them.
In psychology, this is often described through the concepts of objectivity and subjectivity. An object is someone to whom things happen, who is acted upon by external forces. A subject is someone who is themselves the source of action, who influences the world around them. It sounds logical but abstract. Agency, however, is a living concept. It's not about a theoretical position, but about a concrete feeling: "I am choosing this. I am deciding this. I am creating this."
Where Does Non-Agency Come From
The loss of agency rarely happens all at once. More often, it's the result of a long process of adaptation to an environment where your desires, choices, and initiatives were systematically ignored or punished.
Alexander grew up in a family where his parents always knew better. Not in the sense that they gave wise advice, but in that any of his "I want" was met with "no, you don't want that," "that's stupid," "we've decided for you." He entered university based on his father's choice. He found work through his mother's connections. Even the apartment was bought by his parents — in the area they considered right. Now he's 38, holds a good position, but admits in session: "I don't know who I am. I don't even know if I like my work, because I don't understand what I could even like."
This isn't just about lack of separation from parents. This is about the fact that the person never learned the main skill of agency — to listen to themselves and act based on that.
The Illusion of Choice and True Agency
It's important to distinguish between the illusion of choice and true agency. The modern world offers many options: hundreds of channels, thousands of courses, endless opportunities for self-realization. But choosing from a ready-made menu is not the same as agency.
Elena changed jobs every year and a half to two years. At first glance — an active life position, searching for herself. But in therapy it became clear: she wasn't choosing where to go, but running away from where it became uncomfortable. A new place always seemed like the solution to all problems, but after a few months the same thing began: conflicts with colleagues, a feeling of not being valued, disappointment. "I feel like life is passing me by," she said. "I seem to be acting, but nothing changes."
Agency is not simply the ability to make a choice from what's offered. It's the ability to formulate your own questions, create your own options, influence the very framing of the task. It's the difference between "which course should I choose?" and "what do I want to learn and why?"
Agency in Relationships
The absence of agency manifests especially clearly in relationships. Many people build partnerships on the principle of "I'll adapt," "I'll be convenient," "I won't create problems." At first glance, this looks like maturity and readiness to compromise. In reality — it's a refusal of self.
Anna dated a man for three years. She didn't love football, but spent every weekend in front of the TV because it was important to him. She wanted to travel, but they only went where he wanted. She dreamed of children, but he wasn't ready, and she waited. "I thought that was love — being able to give in," she told me. "And then at one moment I realized that I had disappeared. I don't know what I want, because I got used to wanting what he wants."
Healthy relationships are not fusion, where one dissolves into the other. It's a meeting of two agentic people, each of whom has their own desires, boundaries, values and is ready to defend them. Paradoxically, it's precisely the ability to say "no," to insist on one's own, to engage in conflict that makes relationships alive and real.
The Fear of Agency
Why do people resist developing agency, even when they understand its importance? Because agency is responsibility. As long as you live in object mode, there's always someone else to blame: parents, boss, partner, circumstances, crisis, the country.
When you become agentic, this protection disappears. You choose yourself — which means you're responsible for the consequences. This can be frightening.
Igor attended therapy for two years and worked on the question of changing professions. He understood that his current work was draining him, that he had aptitudes and interests in another field, that financially he could afford retraining. But each time it came to concrete actions, he found a reason to postpone: "Now is not the time," "I need to think more," "What if it doesn't work out?" At some point it became clear: he wasn't afraid of failure, but of success. Because if he tried and succeeded, he would have to admit that all these years he simply hadn't dared. That he himself had kept himself caged.
How to Develop Agency
Agency is a skill that can and should be trained. It all starts small: with the ability to notice your own desires.
A simple exercise I often give clients: several times during the day, stop and ask yourself: "What do I want right now?" Not "what should I," not "what's right," not "what do they expect from me," but specifically "what do I want." And try to do it, even if it's a small thing: drink coffee instead of tea, walk instead of taking the metro, say "no" to a request you don't have resources for.
The next level — take initiative where you usually wait for someone else to decide. Suggest a meeting place. Choose a film. Say where you want to go on vacation. Voice your idea at a meeting. Don't wait to be asked — speak up yourself.
And the hardest part — learn to live with the consequences of your choices. Not every decision will be successful. You'll make mistakes, be disappointed, face difficulties. But these are your difficulties, the result of your decisions, your experience. And this is infinitely more alive and real than the safety of a person who never chooses.
Agency and Freedom
Ultimately, agency is that very adulthood that's talked about so much in psychology, but in its true, undistorted form. It's not grayness and not dullness. It's freedom. Freedom to be yourself, live your life, make your mistakes, celebrate your victories.
One of my clients, after a long journey of therapy, once said: "Before, I felt like a passenger in my own life. Sometimes a good passenger — polite, convenient, grateful. But still a passenger. Now I'm behind the wheel. Yes, I can take a wrong turn, get lost, get stuck in traffic. And this feeling — that I myself am driving — is more valuable than all guarantees of the right route."
Agency is not about controlling everything. It's about ceasing to be an object in your own life. About finally hearing your own voice among the thousand external voices telling you who to be and how to live. And starting to act from that place.
This is a path that requires courage. But it's worth it. Because only this way can you truly live, rather than simply exist waiting for life to someday begin.
